Shrek of the Disc
by Old Toad
Summary: The story of Shrek, as Terry Pratchett might have told it.


If you go to Ankh-Morpork then a good map is advisable – there are parts of the city where it is not healthy to stray, let alone get lost. If you have a good map it will have the imprint of the Guild of Engravers; you will find their location on the map, along with the many other guilds which are such a feature of Ankh-Morpork. However, you will not find the Guild of Cartographers, because it does not exist. This is not because the city lacks map makers. To form a guild you have to agree and the map makers of the Discworld cannot agree with one another: maps of the entire, 10,000 mile diameter Disc show considerable divergence.

Entire countries appear on some maps and not on others, and parts of the Discworld are unpredictably changeable or too vague in location to ever be rigorously pinned down on unchanging paper. But to acknowledge this, the map makers, finicky obsessives every one, would have to concede that their best efforts are in vain. Most prefer to impugn the competence and integrity of their fellows. The resulting animosity and rancour make the formation of a Guild only slightly more likely than the appointment of Foul Ole Ron as Patrician.

Few maps include the obscure country of Duloc, and those that do cannot agree on its location. One recent map shows it a day's march from 'an active volcano' and another puts it close to a 'ferocious dragon.' However, it may be that 'ferocious dragon' is just a poetic metaphor for an active volcano. One much derided chart of the area puts Duloc close to a enchanted castle on top of a volcano with a 'hear bye draggon' for good measure: so over-the-top as to be laugh-out-loud ludicrous. But true.

Tiny Duloc is noted for its large population of 'fairy tale' creatures, and has more fairy-tale related beings than anywhere else. For some reason the place attracts the twee, Mother Goose type of fairy tale, rather than the more rugged 'red-hot-shoes-to-make-her-dance-at-the-wedding' sort. This has created a small but steady trickle of well-heeled visitors and their pampered offspring who make a useful contribution to the state coffers. Or to put it another way: the rulers of Duloc were able to enjoy moderate luxury without taxing the downtrodden peasantry to the point of inciting outright revolt.

When Lord Farquaad became ruler, the quaint world of Duloc was turned upside down, and not only metaphorically. Farquaad set out with a ruthless determination to modernise Duloc and make it into his vision of the perfect kingdom. In came military might in the form of a vast fortress and men in armour with spears and crossbows. Out went all sorts of magical creatures, forcibly evicted to 'cleanse' the country. Farquaad wanted Duloc firmly on the map, the tourist destination of choice for jousting, pugilism and other manly pursuits: no more sissy blind mice and talking puppets.

There was rumour, however, whispered in dark corners when no men in armour were around, that Lord Farquaad had not banished all magic. It was said that he had a Magic Mirror and that this was the power behind the throne. Farquaad wanted a perfect kingdom. Well, Duloc was not even a kingdom at all, said the mirror, because he was not a king. And he would not be a king, said the mirror, until he had a queen. This strange prerequisite does not apply in any other known monarchy, but Farquaad – it was said – did not question it. A potential bride was quickly chosen, the mirror heavily influencing the choice.

Opening a martial arts contest, Lord Farquaad announced that the winner would have the honour of risking their life to bring his chosen bride before him. As this bride-to-be was guarded by a fierce dragon in a castle perched above a lake of glowing lava the risk was considerable. Before any of the noble knights present could decide whether they wanted the honour of death trying to win a wife for someone else, an ogre arrived to enliven the proceedings.

The ogre, Shrek, lived in a swamp on the borders of Duloc and the creatures evicted on Farquaad's order had been 'relocated' to his land. Shrek, being a Duloc ogre rather than the ordinary Discworld sort, had not seen this as an opportunity to widen his diet, but as an unacceptable invasion of his privacy, an end to tranquil solitude. Farquaad had the contestants fight Shrek, and Shrek defeated them all with aplomb and the help of his comic sidekick, a talking donkey.

Then comes the cunning bit: using powerful arguments (many loaded crossbows aimed straight at Shrek), Lord Farquaad clinched an agreement with the ogre: bring back his chosen bride, the Princess Fiona, and Shrek's swamp would be cleared of fairy-tale creatures and Shrek left in peace.

So Shrek and his comedic companion set off through fields, forest and desert to reach the dragon-guarded castle. Very fairy-tale it was too: a many-turreted stone castle accessed by a wooden suspension bridge over bubbling lava. Shrek, with the overconfidence of the strong, did not hesitate to stride across the rickety bridge; a lesser but wiser person would have first looked for a better entrance. Shrek knew the story: in the topmost tower they would find the princess waiting to be rescued; she would be under a spell and a kiss would break it.

There was also the dragon. This was a formidable beast, one of the largest _draco nobilis_ ever seen on Discworld. However, _draco nobilis_ are not real; they are created using a great expenditure of magic. This dragon - as was later revealed - was a transformed jenny, a she-donkey. Physically she was a dragon in full flame, psychologically she was one on-heat ass. Nevertheless, she took her guard duties very seriously. The dragon's romantic interest in Shrek's donkey saved that animal's life, but this did not greatly help Shrek. Ogres are tough, strong, ugly and green; but they are not fireproof. Shrek was lucky to escape dragon, castle and lava pool with no more than a light singe and a dusting of soot.

Princess Fiona had expected a hero who would first kill the dragon before rescuing her, but she was pleased to be rescued, even in such an unorthodox manner. She was young and naïve, expecting 'true love's first kiss' which would produce instant love and romance, swiftly followed by marriage and happiness ever after. But the course of true love never did run smooth, even around Duloc or perhaps especially around Duloc. The gallant champion who had rescued her: was not going to administer loves first kiss; was no handsome Prince Charming but an ogre; did not want her hand, but was merely the agent of another. She comforted herself with the thought that Lord Farquaad was the mighty ruler of a great country who would sweep her off her feet.

Shrek swept her off her feet (literally) when she refused to budge, and carried her over his shoulder for several miles. Walking back to Duloc, though, relations between Fiona and Shrek – well – warmed. Shrek found that Fiona was no precious, helpless girly, but a fierce expert at unarmed combat. The two had more in common than Shrek knew: by day she was human, but at night became an ogress, a secret she desperately kept from the world. Donkey found out though, and Fiona made him swear not to tell Shrek.

Blossoming romance was cut short when Shrek overheard Fiona making derogatory remarks about her own night-time appearance and thought she was referring to him. Feeling bitterly rejected, he stalked off to fetch Lord Farquaad. That diminutive ruler -Did we mention dwarf blood? To do so in Duloc was a very unpleasant way to commit suicide. … Anyway, Farquaad returned with a retinue of knights in armour, and presented Shrek with the deeds to his swamp, as promised. Princess Fiona was so affronted by Shrek's behaviour that she rode off with Farquaad, even asking that they marry that very day. A severe case of rebound perhaps.

Lord Farquaad was close to achieving his aim of a perfect kingdom. He had a willing princess bride, stunning in the splendid wedding dress he had had made; a tame audience filled his vast new temple; an authentically ancient priest was meandering his way through the marriage ceremony; the ritual was gloriously illuminated by the rays of the setting sun streaming through the great windows. Perfect. Very, very soon he would kiss the bride to seal the marriage, and he would become crowned king of his perfect kingdom, ambition achieved.

Princess Fiona looked beautiful in her carefully fitted wedding dress. A tragic figure, she was resigned, depressed, miserable, trapped, determined and stoic. She was desperate to join in 'love's first kiss' and break the spell before the sun set and she transformed before all eyes into an ugly ogress. To Farquaad she seemed eager to complete the ceremony.

The priest was hurried on to complete his bit; the wedding couple were closing on each other to kiss and "I OBJECT!" rang from the back of the temple. Shrek ran up the aisle to the consternation of all. Farquaad was not amused. Not at first, but after hearing the halting words between Shrek and Fiona he almost smiled.

"The ogre has fallen in love with the princess!" he proclaimed. This proved disastrous for him: Fiona realised that this was true and decided to reveal her secret. As the sun set she transformed into an ogress in front of everyone. Farquaad was no longer amused and men in armour were summoned to drag the two ogres apart. Shrek was overpowered by force of numbers and whistled to call in backup.

Backup was Donkey and the dragon. She burst into the temple through the great rose window and swallowed Farquaad whole. Shrek and Fiona enjoyed love's first kiss and the spell on Fiona was broken in a spectacular show of lights. Everyone but Fiona was unsurprised to find that she was now … an ogress!

Farquaad's henchmen, seeing Donkey and his paramour having the mastery, switched allegiance quicker than the Librarian changes mood when called 'monkey'. Shrek and Fiona were a couple, Donkey and dragon likewise. Fairy-tale creatures returned to Duloc amid great celebration, and so there was a

HAPPY ENDING

And they lived ugly ever after.

Except Lord Farquaad of course: a lingering death in the belly of the beast for him. Still, nobody else seemed to mind.

 **Footnotes** _(For students of the Discworld)_

The various maps and illustrated guides to Ankh-Morpork show essentially the same city. Some are more popular than others; the 'scratch and sniff' map of district odours was not a financial success. It is an old joke that that the best maps show the Unseen University in invisible ink. This may be true, no one is quite sure.

Because of its large population of 'fairy-tale creatures', Duloc has given its name to the 'Duloc Controversy,' notorious in wizarding circles. Put over-simply for the lay reader it is this: "which came first: 'fairy tales or 'fairy-tale creatures'?" The conventional wisdom is that fairy-tale creatures came into existence because people believed in the fairy stories they heard. That sort of thing does happen on the Discworld. The alternative is that the creatures, house-building pigs, etc., came first and stories grew up around them. The latest thinking is that fairy tales and their creatures developed together, each influencing the other.

In the hundreds of years before the short reign of Lord Farquaad there was only one serious disturbance in Duloc: a misguided policy of 'a troll under every bridge' caused chaos and led to widespread bridge burning. Afterwards, one wooden bridge was quickly rebuilt for billy-goats to trip-trap across, but to this day some streams and rivers in Duloc have to be crossed by ford or stepping stones. Lord Farquaad's very first reform was the construction of a magnificent stone bridge at Duloc's single major river crossing. The old ferryman lost his livelihood and ended up, dispossessed, living under the bridge. Ironically, he was a troll. That cool shady location suited him well, and he is still there, thinking slow thoughts and putting in the occasional appearance for visitors.

 **Endnote** _(for students of Economics)_

Before Lord Farquaad, Duloc was regarded by its more progressive neighbours, such as the Kingdom of Far Far Away, as fuddy-duddy and old fashioned. Folk in Duloc only recently accepted the radical introduction of the Shilling into the coinage. "What was good enough for our grandparents is good enough for our grandchildren" they say. "Two hundred and forty silver pence to a pound of silver has done us well for the last thousand years" they said. A thousand years of mild inflation has resulted in a freshly minted Duloc penny having less silver in it than is under the fingernails of the median dwarf.


End file.
